Article of Shame- Cut 5,000 Calories in A Single Day!
By Jason
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I did my first article of shame in late November of last year. Well, I’ve been back to the magazine rack, and I’ve got another wonderfully educational article to share with you.
Today’s article of shame comes from page 80 of the March 2008 edition of Maximum Fitness For Men. The tag line on the cover of this magazine reads, “No B.S. Just Results”.
Honestly, this is the best quote ever:
Is dropping 5,000 calories in one day possible? Yes, it is. All you have to do is be smart. It doesn’t involve killing yourself twice a day or splitting hairs either. You’re 19 steps away from becoming a new man.
Wow, I can really cut 5,000 calories and it won’t split my hairs? Really though, I’ve only seen women worry about the ends of their hair splitting. Maybe this article accidentally got put here instead of in Maximum Fitness for Women. I don’t know…
Cut 5,000 Calories in one day!!! And Get Super Duper Frickin Ripped!!
OK, this article was pretty much screwed right from the beginning in my mind. The first red flag that went up was that you could cut out 5,000 calories and that it would somehow be a good thing. Let’s do a little math first.
Former bodybuilder and fat-loss expert Tom Venuto’s Quick Method of calculating calories shows us that you need to eat about 18-19 calories for every pound of body weight if you’re trying to get heavier (build muscle). Also, the average male needs about 2,700 to 2,900 calories per day (that’s average- some are much more, some are much less).
So let’s give the article the benefit of the doubt and say that the guy who is eating 5,000 calories in a day is trying to build muscle and needs 18-19 calories per day. If he’s trying to build muscle, he wouldn’t be cutting calories in the first place, but these numbers are more conservative, so we’ll use them.
5,000 calories / 19 calories needed per pound = 263 pounds.
So, the simple method says that 5,000 calories per day is appropriate for a man (or woman) weighing 263 pounds who is trying to get bigger. Never mind the fact that cutting out all 5,000 calories pretty much means he’s eating nothing for a day… I hope none of the smaller teenagers read this…
All you have to do is be smart
Here are a few of their awesome tips on how to be smart:
- 47 minutes of light office work: They say you’ll spend 100 calories doing this, because if you didn’t read the magazine, you wouldn’t have moved at all and would have wasted the chance to burn that extra 100 with light work!
- 35 minutes of self-grooming: This needs to be written in a magazine because you wouldn’t spend enough time doing your hair if they didn’t mention it. 100 calories.
- 1 hour of passionate kissing: I like this one. But you will either rip a tongue muscle or move far beyond kissing before an hour is up. 180 calories.
- 1 hour fixing your car: Just like we always say: if ain’t broken, fix it anyways. 343 calories.
- 1 hour of playing cards: Mega fat burner, right here. No joke. 140 calories.
- 50 minutes of handwriting a letter to a friend: Again, writing notes to your best friend forever probably got placed in the wrong magazine. This one belongs in Pink Dumbbell Magazine. 100 calories.
- 30 minutes in the gym, 30 mintues jogging: These were put at the very end of the list. First try the make-out marathon, the half-hour of doing your hair, or writing a note to your best friend forever. If those don’t work, then give the gym a shot. 632 calories.
Oh, by the way, actually doing all of their listed activities for the recommended times would require over 8 hours a day. I hope you can fit it in.
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Topics: Dieting & Food, Exercises and Routines |
March 8th, 2008 at 3:27 am
Magazines are stupidly ignorant sometimes. Like you said, it only takes one naive teen to read that article and take it as gospel to end up in a bad way. Shame on glossy mags.
March 8th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
Gotta love the way the gym was listed last and implied as the least important priority for cutting “5k” calories.
Those mainstream magazines are part of the reason why most people never see real results, and it’s a shame.
March 10th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Soo twisted. Don’t know who’s worst; the writers, the editors or the readers who actually do the stuff stated.
March 10th, 2008 at 7:04 pm
Daniel- Actually, I wonder if their ignorant or if they are just running out of stuff to say so they knowingly publish a bunch of useless info. I’m not sure which is worse…
Sean- You’re right. I think to become a mainstream mag you have to make workouts sound really easy.
Alex- My guess is that it’s the writers and the editors, and the readers are a bunch of people who don’t know the difference. I could be wrong though.
May 18th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
I love that dropping 5000 calories is “being smart”. Do dumb.